When Not Working Isn't Working
When my husband and I were dating, we had lengthy discussions about what our domestic arrangements would look like if we were to marry.
We agreed, outside of me taking a reasonable maternity leave (6 months), both of us will work. I wanted him to know from the get go what he was getting himself into.
It is funny how life happens and changes everything. I never expected to become a housewife at any point of our marriage. He never expected to be the sole breadwinner. Under ideal circumstances I probably would have taken a full year off with each of my kids (not 6 months - ha!) and gone back to work part time. But here we are in China, seemingly playing traditional husband and wife roles.
I have to say my husband is a wonderfully involved father and spouse. I am never left to run the household alone. Still, most things that have to do with children and the home fall on me by default. And since I am not working, it is only fair.
I love that I am able to spend as much time as I do with my children. If there is one lesson motherhood has taught me, it is that time is fleeting. I am painfully aware that my kids will soon grow up - that neither I nor they will be able to re-live their childhood. I know we must relish it now.
Still, I find myself chafing against this accidental housewife role I now find I am playing - and for longer period of time than I anticipated. The realities of the job market here is just different and the choices are paltry.
I have always known moving to China would mean quitting my well-loved job. We did talk about this and gave it due consideration before we decided the opportunity to live and work in China was worth sacrificing my budding career. And I love, LOVE how our life is turning out to be.
BUT.
I don't like not working. It is not good for me. I really need to get out of the house for a few hours and do something.
No, I don't want to do yoga.
No, I don't want to volunteer.
No, I don't want to go to Starbucks.
No, I don't want to go shopping.
No!
I want to work part-time and spend the rest of my day with my children. I want to put my brain to use and earn some money. God! At this point, I just want to work to see if I can still hack it!
I hate that my job choices are so limited here in Dalian. I literally feel like my brain is slowing down!
I am now looking for a job again - with crossed fingers that I will find something that is just right for me.
My sanity depends on it.
I was one of the top students in my class and everyone thought i would be a doctor or something .I started having kids and school was kept on hold .I did not think it would be on hold for 10 years but it did .Now thanks to facebook i am reconnecting with everyone from grade school and they are all "advanced " in their education and career .They are surprised whenever i tell them that i don't have degrees like them .They sort of pity me .But the bottom line is it is hard to do all at once for me .I am now 32 and i am going back to school .I never in my life thought that i will end up not having atleast a bachelors at this age and not having a promising career at this age .my kids are my accomplishments and my life .i would not change a thing .I am a stay at home mom and i take part time classes .As much as i enjoy my time with them i enjoy the little time i am away from them because yes like you said it keeps me sane too .It might be a cliche if i say this but motherhood is the hardest and the most enjoyable job ever.Afterall i did have a promising career as a professional mom the end products being my kids .sorry this post is so long .
I'm a long time lurker and just had to come out and thank you so much for this post. You said "When my husband and I were dating, we had lengthy discussions about what our domestic arrangements would look like if we were to marry."I wish you could shout this from the mountain top!!!
Young girls need to hear courting stories such as yours. Recently, Chimamanda Ngozi, one of my favorite writers, talked about the sad reality that many young girls don't know how to negotiate their marriage contract, and how it's so pathetic that girls are socialized to expect that their future spouse will "pick them" and decide when to drop on the proverbial knee with the marriage proposal. Expectations of marriage should and must be discussed during the courting period.
I'm also impressed by how well you've been able to articulate your yearning for a career away from home. Again, I think society has socialized women to always put their needs second. You are a fantastic mother! Which is why many of us keep returning to this blog and I hope you are able to achieve the fulfillment you seek in terms of a part-time job.
Best wishes.
Nandi, YES to everything you said. We must lay out what our expectations are before we sign that marriage contract. My husband and I talked about everything, ranging from race, my role as a wife and mother, and culture. We wanted to make sure that we understood each other's expectations and that we could live with those expectations. The choice of who we marry is a huge decision and it should be treated as such.
Oh and can I just say I heard Chimamanda Ngozi speak a while back. I was so impressed with her. So young, so smart, so perfectly African! I have to get around reading her book ...
This blog depends on ur sanity and your sanity depends on getting a job...so i think I am left with no option here....i will start praying...:)))
LOVE LOVE LOVE the pic.
I hope someone, anyone looking to be married reads this post first. If I were a producer I would make sure you get a reality show of your own about true marriage, family, and love. Wow what a post!
Tsion! A reality show?!!!! Good god, I would totally fall apart under that kind of pressure!
I love the photo too - this will probably be the last year where Buchela and I could both fit on that car!
Thak you so much for sharing this with us. It really helps a people like me to fully understand what we are going into. My story is different than yours. I am a working mom who is raising my baby with out a father. I have a live-in Ethiopian nanny (but very hard if you can imagine). I and My husband are here in work visa, so we both should work in order to immigrate here. But I am telling how hard it is to choose carrier over your family. But for some of us we do not have any other choice. It hard, very hard, to be a working mom. Please be great full for what you have & On the other hand, I know I can not be a stay home mom. It is not because of my laziness or that I love my job more than my family.. . Very sad but I tested reality. I took a break from my work about a year after getting my baby-very great full to my employer. I am telling you it was a disaster. I was about to get depressed, I always thought I was not good enough in anything. I though whatever I did was wrong &like you , I am alone with out any family here, so internet was my only reference& Anyway, I am now realized, looking at how the nanny is taking care of my baby, I was not a bad mom at all- but not ..So , I now puzzling how I can quit my job and get my family together- it does not matter how bad it will get , but I am ready to take a risqué. But very nervous!