Survival of the Shy Girl
Sometimes she smiled and her entire face lit up. But most of the time, she sat at her desk with her head cast down.
When I ask her questions, she takes a long time to answer. I am never sure whether or not she understood unless I wait long enough to give her a chance to compose herself to talk. Sometimes, there is a significant lag between my question and her answer.
Over the last couple of weeks, I noted that when I wait for her answer students say things in Korean. From the tone of their voices I could only conclude they are not being nice.
Over the course of a few days, it began happening even more frequently to the point where when I asked her a question, she became frightened.
As a rule, when students finish their class work early, I usually rotate the best students to help with students who are having hard time. Yesterday, I realized no one wanted to work with her. Every single student I asked refused to sit with her. I had to tell them it was not an option and simply pick a student to partner with her.
Afterwards, there was some conversation in Korean among the students that was obviously directed at her. She was near tears by the time class ended.
Today, I brought the homeroom teacher in to help me translate my new rules. I had her tell the students that I knew when they were not being nice even if I didn't understand Korean. I explained that when I ask a student to work with another student, it is not a choice, and that I accept no mean comments or making faces towards other students.
I never once mentioned the student's name I was concerned about. I didn't want to put her on the spot. But as the teacher translated my words, I noticed, at some point or another, most students looked towards the girl. They knew exactly what I was talking about confirming that some mean stuff was going on in my classroom.
At the end of class, the little girl came up to me and said, in a hardly audible voice, "bye bye teacher" and smiled.
How do children become that kid everyone picks on? Why? In my view, except for her shyness, she is a perfectly delightful child. And she is not the first shy child I have had in my class. What do the other kids see as a weakness in her?
My heart aches.
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Questions for readers: I really would like to hear your thoughts on this. Were you ever this child? Did you pick on other kids? Did you know someone who was this child? Did you stand up for her/him? Maybe you didn't do the teasing but did you go out of your way to avoid being with the kid everyone didn't like?
Being a teacher, I am seriously starting to think that schools are Darwinian institutions where the perceived weak just simply don't survive (emotionally that is).
What say you?
I guess the trick to surviving is to finding out how to not be "that kid". Poor girl.
There also was a girl bully in my class who ordered us to fight with the girl she hates .hulachihum ahununu p (putika) beluat :) .
Yemi
I feel so bad for the girl .I am glad you did what you did for her .As a mother i am concerned that this might happen to my girls even though they are outgoing and all . .You did your share .
some grow up to feel inadequate all their lives. i agree with feven, at least you did your share. hopefully she will have an easier time from now on.
I don't know why kids are so cruel. I tend to agree with you that schools are sort of Darwinian laboratories where some element of the environment encourages children to band together and pick on kids they perceive as "weak."
As a new parent, I hope to raise my daughter to be willing to stand up both for herself and for others and not go along with the crowd. But, I wonder the same thing that Dave Lucas does. Why do kids from so-called good families engage in this behavior? I'd like to think the parents would be upset if the knew, so why do so many children try to hurt others to make themselves feel better?
absolutely love your blog... your writing is awesome.
As for me, I was never in the popular bunch but I had friends. I was not particularly picked on. I was just there with my friends. There was not a whole lot of picking in the schools I went to, specially high school. But times certainly have changed now.
Feven, good for you for fighting back. I think that is what they see in this girl--- she DOESN'T fight back. And that opens her up for all sorts of attack.
Maureen, yeah the trick is to not be that kid but the question is how? If you know the answer, let me know... want to teach my son just in case.
Belle, thank you so much. New reader YAY.
strength and character when they grow up. For others it
might crush their self-esteem. Advising your child to fight
back, encouraging him to be social and developing good social
skills could help him avoid bullies. I think most bullies are
cowards and pick on someone that will not fight back or is
a loner.
One thing I did when I taught fifth grade was to institute a teasing penalty whenever we played games. If someone was nasty to another child, no matter who, their whole team would lose one point. A few games were lost this way, and the kids started monitoring their own mouths, in my class at least.
I can't really explain why kids are teased -- I bet it has to do with seeming vulnerable rather than any external thing -- but this is something you can try to curb it.
MF